I used to love the angst of dating. I used to love waiting for the phone call, or the nervousness of being asked out by my crush in person. The in class note pass, and watching them blush as I unfolded the paper to see, “Would you like to go out with me?”
I loved the vulnerability of it all. It made dating so personal. And then…the Internet…okay, that was around when I first starting dating, who am I kidding. But, in the last couple years it’s become more acceptable to be less personal about the initial ask (which gets rid of that nervous angst that I loved so much).
It’s not like I’ve been asked out often, but the few times I’ve been approached over the past couple years, it’s been behind the protective wall of social media. Enter the Facebook ask out:
Meet Joey. Joey, a seemingly nice guy, I met last night out with friends. He asked to friend me on Facebook, which I obliged. We talked for quite some time last night, at which point he could have asked in person, “Jessica, would you like to catch a movie?” Instead, this. Why, Joey, why?
Ironically enough, the two men I’ve asked out in my life (both of which rejected me), I’ve asked out as impersonally as possible.
The first was in 7th grade, when I left my crush a note in his locker that said something supremely awkward like, “Please don’t show this to anyone,” which of course he did, “but would you like to go out with me? Check yes or no and drop in my locker number 840. – Jessica Randazza”Awwkkkwaaarrdd. Steven didn’t say yes, and like I said, he told everyone about my note, which made it real life. It made it vulnerable, and it embarrassed me for a very long time. Impersonal for the time period, but real life evidence of the ask.
The second happened a few months ago. There was the cuuutteessssst guy in the advertising department at work that I saw sporadically at beer Fridays, and I asked the receptionist for his name. Twestival was coming up, and I knew he worked in digital advertising and was semi-interested in social media. So, I found him in the work database and sent him an interoffice instant message.
Me: Hi there, I work upstairs in PR. [simultaneously I added him as a friend on Facebook]
Cute Ad Guy: Hey. [friend request accepted]
Me: Um, so, have you heard about Twestival? It’s this weekend, and I have an extra ticket. http://seattle.twestival.com/
CAG: Oh, cool, yeah. Sounds cool. No thanks. [Cute Ad Guy is no longer online]
While I saw CAG several times after that, I felt like I could delete it from my mind as quickly as I could “X”out the IM. No real life evidence, unlike Steven. Ego in tact.
So back to Joey. What could he have done to make his ask more interesting (besides nixing the “Holla.”)? When I asked my friend, Micah Baldwin, he laughed and directed me to Gawker’s First Move Chart:
Note the asterisk. While I don’t necessarily agree with it, is that the expectation? By accepting his friendship on Facebook, did I open myself (or should I expect, rather) this level of casual interaction? And while it says cell call is the best option, how often does it happen with the ease/protection of today’s social media lifestyle?
Has social media killed dating vulnerability?
Has social media made dating less personal?
Do people actually call anymore?
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Has social media killed vulnerability? No. Men have avoided being vulnerable for as long as there were ways. Romeo sent emissaries to see if Juliet liked him before jumping the wall in the middle of the name and proclaiming “would a rose by any other name smell as sweet?”
Social media’s great fault is that it creates a sense of knowing that truly is false. Do I “know” the people I interact with on Twitter or Facebook. Not all. Are there folks on Twitter or FB I would love to ask out? A few.
But the fear of rejection, the fear of hearing no, is so great, that I would rather not ask than fear that reality. Social media does provide me some protection, but not completely.
Sorry for the rambling, but I am kinda putting thoughts together one after another. Here is another. Calling someone makes the action final. A Facebook note or direct message is almost easy to laugh off. To pretend it never happened. Its protective. It safe.
But is it wrong? I dunno. It certainly isnt very real.
Oh, and Jessica, lets go to a movie. Holla.
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This brings back all kinds of memories. I’ve done both – the note-passing and the online thing. I haven’t thought about how it has changed, so this post helps me think about it. It seems to have changed very quickly over a very short period of time. Not always for the better. It’s more or less killed the ‘blind date’ because even if you aren’t told his or her name, you can still search the network of the friend who arranged it to find who it could potentially be.
I agree with Micah, there are definitely a few people I know in the social media sphere who I’d totally ask out if the opportunity presented itself, or if we were even in the same area geographically (hello, Jessica). But it’s not a fear of rejection for me. I tend to see my social media community as being part of a different sphere of friends. A sphere of friends I don’t think actively about dating. Not sure why.
Has social media killed dating vulnerability?
Human behavior constantly evolves with new technology. An argument can be made about the invention of the “phone.” (Granted it was more than a century ago) Prior to the ability to call someone, you were forced to communicate face to face. We went through landlines, cell phones, emails, texting and now Facebook/social media. The modern dating scene has just taken on a new face.
Has social media made dating less personal?
Dating is essentially a way of getting to know someone and seeing if you are compatible. Social Media has not made dating less personal; it has just automated and expedited the “Getting To Know” phase.
Do people actually call anymore?
People still call, but it will reduce drastically in the future. If the goal is to get dates, then singles should adapt to this new environment. Besides, social media can aid in the screening process. Why would you date someone who has extremely questionable and weird things on their Profile?
My latest book, “Facebook Addiction: The Life & Times of Social Networking Addicts” explores society’s social media culture in a satirical approach. We also have an interactive book based blog.
Amazon: http://www.TheFacebookAddiction.com/links/retail/amazon
Blog: http://www.TheFacebookAddiction.com/blog
More info: http://www.TheFacebookAddiction.com
Cheers,
Nnamdi
After reading this, I’m very thankful that social media wasn’t around when I was dating. And that my husband isn’t on Twitter.
Best of luck navigating the social media/dating waters. Sounds slightly shark-infested to me…
Haha Jessica, I loved this post. I don’t think I’ve ever been asked out on facebook. Phone or text, yes. Call me old-fashioned (haha), but I still believe one needs to call.
Also, what about online dating?
I agree with Micah. My friend and I were discussing this the other day. We think maybe we just all have a lot more nerve when we hide behind a computer.
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I should admit, particularly after reading this, that I, in fact, met Jessica tonight. I found her entirely attractive, intriguing, fun-loving, and approachable. When the time was appropriate I asked her out on a date. Note: I did not ask for some web site address or for some other silly medium…I simply said, “would you like to grab some sushi with me?” I am so delighted that the reply was yes! I now have the nervousness and vulnerability that Jessica speaks of at the start of this blog. I suppose we shall see what happens…either way, I’m proud of being traditional, confident, and able to take the lovliest girl I’ve met in a long while out for a wonderful evening!
No, people don’t call anymore. That is still too vulnerable, too hard. They hide behind text, FB and twitter as a way of being interested but non-committal and because it is easy. Rejection from iChat is easier than hearing it in person or on the phone.
And with our digital world, you can find out so much about someone before you actually meet them for that first date, that you already feel like you know them yet all you know is what they have allowed you to see, which is not the fully rounded person.
Yet this is the way that dating and flirting has transformed and we must embrace it or find those that do not participate in the game.